exploring depression!

[jinian]

This morning I seriously considered not getting out of bed. When I did get out of bed, I started crying -- hilariously, this was highly photogenic crying, the one gentle tear slipping down the face kind. I felt afraid to take the levetiracetam, to which I have felt an aversion for the last few days, but decided I was being a drama queen and I could make myself do it. So I took it, because apparently I am too stubborn to know what is good for me.

What is it that I'm waiting for before I stop? I think I want multiple other people to tell me to stop taking this stuff, because that would mean they cared. This isn't my feeling that people who love me should want to talk to me (which I still think is pretty reasonable!), it's a very stereotypical teenage "gimme attention" feeling and I didn't think I had any more of those.

Well, I am being stupid. The NIH says depression is a SERIOUS SIDE EFFECT and I should CALL MY DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY, so I am off to do that. Hopefully I will also stop weeping single crystalline tears, as I am now at work and that's kind of embarrassing.

I don't imagine the depression will go away within seconds, so hugs and cheering would be most welcome.

[ETA: Doc is out this week but will call me back. Plugged in phone so I can receive the call. Go me.]

Comments

[kalmn]

Oh, hon. Call your doc, they'll likely tell you to stop. Hang in there.

[jinian]

I am stop now! Yay! And I edited a Wikipedia article while I couldn't handle juggling work tasks this morning, so I am useful even when things suck.

[oyceter]

*hugs* Oh hon, I am so sorry. I hate that not-getting-out-of-bed feeling and the random crying, and I'm glad you called your doc. Go you!

[jinian]

I've never felt quite this bad for no reason before. Interesting brain experience, providing basis for empathy. Prefer never to repeat it ever! *hugs*

[boxofdelights]

Normally I would not tell you to stop taking that stuff, because I would expect that to come across as condescending.

You are brave and strong-willed, and can make yourself do many things. That voice that's calling you "drama queen"-- I think back on all the pain and treatment issues you've soldiered through, and wonder what would it take to convince her you're not?

I pat you congratulatorily for calling the doctor, and for plugging your phone in.

[jinian]

Well, if I'm a drama queen I'm not disabled. Thank you, though, that's a good thing to think about.

[dancingsinging]

Oh, big hugs! I'm glad you got connected with your doc and are on track for a different drug. I hope the depression wears off soon.

I have to say that I admire your ability to poke fun at yourself and your single crystalline tear right in the middle of being depressed. Also, it's okay not to, you know? It's okay to feel a little dramatic and a little sorry for yourself. Especially since it's not going to last forever and dominate your life outlook!