jinian: (fft ninja)
Hi. I'm leaving the academic job track. In... two days.

Why? Lots of reasons. My postdoc hasn't been successful, which is due in part to trauma and in part to disabilities. The academy is deeply fucked up in a lot of ways that I no longer see it as my job to change. There are brilliant young women out there who love science and will continue to push.

My new job is both science-related and social-justice-related: I'm going to be a manuscript editor for researchers who aren't native English speakers. There's tons of good science being done that may not get a fair shake because of the style it's written in, so I can help! It'll be fun and enriching -- I can learn new science, it'll be my job to read papers, and I'm looking forward to figuring out which grammatical errors go with which native languages. Everyone I've talked to at the company seems awesome, it sounds like a great culture fit, there's room for growth, and I'll be working remotely with flexible hours. It's delightful. I'm delighted.

It's also a loss. I'm okay and angry and thrilled all at once. I could live anywhere now, though I am very disinclined to move with two nineteen-year-old cats. But I won't be teaching students in person like I have been, and I won't be the mentor who helps make advanced degrees happen for talented people, and I won't be the cranky old professor asking pointed questions of the visiting seminar speakers.
Yesterday I got an operation! So far it was a really good idea. Here is what went down.

long! )

home safe

Jan. 5th, 2015 07:37 pm
The surgery went very well, and the doctor says I should be below my previous baseline pain level during the recovery process (because things were really a mess in there). Currently feeling about five different kinds of pain, but the worst one is definitely the remains of the abdomen-inflating gas because it shoots up to your shoulders, ugh. I has a Percocet, though, and a [personal profile] rushthatspeaks to take care of me.

la la la

Jan. 5th, 2015 05:46 am
jinian: (algae)
Woke up early as usual before a big-deal trip. Second antiseptic shower (not so gross, actually, just smells a bit overly sterile). Played with cats, gave treats, can't settle down with them because I have to go! Waaaaaiting for the cab.
jinian: (worms' meat)
WHEW. Putting more infos in a flocked post, but the insurance company has now approved everything my surgeon and I wanted to do.
jinian: (FHL cockles)
So my doctor and the reproductive radiologist (what a great specialty) are pretty sure that the masses the ultrasound shows on both ovaries are endometriomas. The bigger one is making my ovary 7cm long, which is much bigger than an ovary should be. And it's on the more painful side. Finally a mild observable correlation with my actual problems!

I also have one small and two minuscule fibroids in the uterine wall; these I think are probably not contributing much to my pain as they were not there five years ago and my periods are actually better managed now than they were then. They will probably get worse with time until menopause, though, and could be problematic in future. Mom had a giant one removed at about my age.

So basically, laparoscopic surgery to solidly diagnose the endo is definitely recommended, and they would remove any badness they see while they're in there. The doctor confirmed that there is no way to see bits of rogue endometrium that might be causing adhesions using imaging techniques, and you just have to go look around in there. I was about ready to do that for just the amount of pain I've been having, so I am totally on board with that.

Since I have never wanted to be pregnant, I am pretty much decided on having my uterus out at the same time. The doc is good with this. It is a faulty uterus that makes me very miserable, it's likely to get even worse with time, and I'm not using it. Sliiiightly on the fence about taking out an entire organ, but it's an organ that's been misbehaving for 25 years, and if this really is endometriosis then removing a possible source of MORE jerkass wandering cells is a really good idea. Also pretty sure that the period I am about to start will remind me of why I do not want it!

Somehow I have chosen to draw the TMI veil over only this part. )

I asked about sexual function and her response was pretty much, "most people find that not being in pain makes them better able to enjoy sex." WHICH SEEMS LEGIT. And having a built-in vagina means I wouldn't need to use dilators or anything the way people with constructed vaginas do, it's all good even if the uterus isn't in there to anchor the other end. She and I are totally agreed on keeping as much of my ovaries as they can rescue from the masses on them, as bones are important and I like my sex hormones generally.

This is actually pretty much the optimal outcome considering my pain situation, which is quite bad! And it was nice to surprise the doc by being happy and excited that she found something, which is not the usual reaction. So I'll talk about it with my boss tomorrow -- the recommended recovery period for surgery is two weeks and I want to keep him up to date since we talked recently about how things were pretty bad and affecting my performance. Within a few days the surgery scheduler should call me to set up various pre-, operative, and post- appointments.

I am still pretty darn happy with this whole development. Little scary, still the tiny possibility that it's something more serious, but overall? Fucking YAY they found THINGS they can DO something about.

yay things!

Dec. 3rd, 2014 09:17 am
jinian: (birdsquee)
The doctor says there are a couple of things on my ultrasound! I told her honestly I am VERY HAPPY THAT THERE ARE THINGS, all the other scans have said that everything was fine and I have been like... everything is not fine. So I get to go there this afternoon at 4:30 to discuss the things.

If I can have a hysterectomy I am actually going to be super happy, I have wanted this rotten fuckin' uterus out of my body ever since I was twelve and it started trying to kill me every month.

I will keep you all posted!
jinian: (fft ninja)
1. Promising meeting! Things are moving slowly for this project, but we'll get somewhere cool eventually.

2. Knowledge is power. I'm not happy about it per se, but I finally found out something very important.

3. Mom texted that Squeak cat was playing laser with Dad. :)
jinian: (queen of cups)

Final lab meeting. Destressing Value Village run: found exactly the short denim skirt I was thinking I wanted, plus another cute one for $4. Molly Moon's ice cream (salt caramel, chocolate) eaten on a bench in Cal Anderson Park. Phoenix comics.


Fremont Jai Thai, PCC, antique mall.


Last laser ablation. Farewell potluck at lab. Paid full price at Scarecrow Video for the first time since I can remember. Carrying black locust blossoms in my bag.
Tuesday night:
I remain completely delighted to have found a profanity filter that does nothing at all except completely obscure the words "fuck" and "cocksuck", including their difference from one another. (Both are rendered as "****".)

1. Same shoes as my acupuncturist. And nice emotional insights thanks to headache needles on my hands.

2. Got a sublet! Very many thanks to my awesome [personal profile] rushthatspeaks going to look at it. :) Aaaaaand... booked a plane ticket one way. I had to breathe a whole lot.

3. Parking lots of the future, a post by [personal profile] genarti, made me smile until my face hurt.


1. Accidentally dressed up as gems from my racing game. Silliness.

2. Deleted all microscope bookings after the 25th of this month.

3. My sartorialist grad friend wore seersucker on a rainy day, and I teased him a little. Then someone else said he'd had an identical first communion jacket, and that was incredible.


1. Farewell dinner with Wim's dad and stepmom at Pam's Kitchen of ultimate deliciousness.

2. Swung on the swingset!

3. Much flirting and silliness.

good things

May. 6th, 2014 11:29 pm
jinian: (mokona dessert!)
1. Crying happy tears over breakfast because of Advanced Ambulatory Ichthyology. (The crying moment was about 85% of the way through, if you're curious.)

2. I ordered a smartphone and data service, since I figure that will help with surviving effectively in a new place. Very mixed feelings about this, actually, but I will enjoy it!

3. A racing friend is having a birthday Monday and I am going to send her a package of fun things! I love doing this stuff. Hopefully more people will send things to ME as a result, too.

4. Came home at lunch and had Aleve and laid down with heating pad for two hours... and then was cramp-free. Wow. May it continue so!

good things

May. 5th, 2014 11:39 pm
jinian: (birdsquee)
1. Awesomely wrestled my latex mattress and futon in an effort to sell the latter. Collected actual dollars for the loft bed!

2. Ran into my least schedulable committee member, who was soooo excited to hear about my new position and gave me a bunch of Boston advice.

3. Such the cutest Oh Joy Sex Toy!

4. One of my rotation advisors was elected to the National Academy of Sciences, and I got to talk with him at the reception today. I haven't seen nearly enough of him lately because of his poor health, and it was so good to get to chat about his recent work. It's rather closely related to my soon-to-be work, though, so I hope we can talk more again soon!

5. Told PI and my landlord that I am outa here at the end of the month. Booked a storage pod thing (against terrible customer service doom). Go me!

6. Wim understood completely when I made a gesture representing axolotl gills flapping in the wind while riding in a motorcycle sidecar. Then we watched a stop-motion octopus do violence to the San Francisco waterfront.

good things

May. 4th, 2014 11:21 pm
jinian: (dandy highwayman)
1. Walking outside in the dramatic pouring rain!

2. In the rain's sunshiny aftermath, a sodden and bedraggled black fuzzy moustache stuck to a rock in someone's front yard.

3. Packing books led to squealing in delight over my paper copy of Maka-Maka v2, as ever. Such the best adorable queer girl porn. (Except there is MORE now, like in Smut Peddler! We live in a wonderful world.)

4. Sold furniture! Accomplished other important moving-related tasks!
jinian: Unikitty from the Lego Movie in business attire (unikitty)
1. Playing "what is on this CD?" as I clean and start to actually pack boxes a little bit. Today I found a Christmas music mix marked only "2004" -- okay!

2. Stressball girl collapsed on the bed with cats for a bit, with pants undone because I don't know, I was partway through taking them off, and Diz cat decided to not just snuggle but start licking my tummy. Laughed and laughed.

3. I put things into a box for moving today. And other things into bags for going away forever.

4. Watched Labyrinth with an online friend! I like this watching things in chat with people, I haven't done it until the last month or so and it's quite good as a way to hang out with someone who's not nearby.

job got

Feb. 24th, 2014 01:32 pm
jinian: (birdsquee)
No formal offer letter yet, but an agreement has been made on my Harvard postdoc job.



Feb. 18th, 2014 02:54 pm
jinian: (fft ninja)
It's my birthday today. I have graduated from being a square and am now a prime, which is likely the last time that will happen.

Feeling sad, which I think is due to not knowing what happens next with my entire life. There's funding for a project in the lab I'd like to work in (yay!), but they have to go through some sort of fair interview process and can't just hire me, so I do not yet have a job and might not. And, thinking I'd have cramps, I foolishly didn't plan anything for tonight. Currently roping my mom into taking me out to dinner.

Good things so far today:
I do not actually have cramps.
Slept in.
Wearing favorite jeans, which I mended last night while listening to 90 minutes of new Night Vale.
Carrying my shiny red e-reader, which I repaired over the weekend.
Nice messages from people (and my student loan provider, ?) about my birthday.
Nice message about another good thing.
Entertaining stormy rain.

Good things in the past year:
Got my Ph.D. dammit. It is okay if I am still feeling fragile, I was super awesome.
Figured out how to live alone and still have a relationship with Wim.
Got together with [personal profile] rushthatspeaks.
Did not have Crohn's Disease.
Made some nifty stuff including ramen bowls, a quilt, and a star dress.
jinian: (bold bananas)
1. http://mentalfloss.com/article/52332/12-animal-adjectives-bolster-your-vocabulary and it is possible that "anguish" could be related to snakes via narrowness, which would be AWESOME. I mean, I like snakes, but how cool is that.

2. Reading my diploma to my dad over the phone, with all its blackest letter and silly formality. And explaining again that Doctor of Philosophy means natural sciences too.

3. Well, I guess it is good to have the sort of job where I can generally spend extra morning time in bed with a heating pad when that's needed.

4. My Rock Band library now reflects my dorky 80s heart even more than it did before.
jinian: (birdsquee)
I ordered two paperback copies (for lab and parents). It's a racket, but I waaaant it.

I am also a BADASS who has finished and submitted her doctoral thesis and will have a Ph.D. in biology as of today.
jinian: (birdsquee)
I was already wearing clothes today, but then the mail came!

Obviously I needed a t-shirt on this theme after my defense, and this was the one I liked the best. (Even though it claimed to be 8-bit style when it is clearly 16-bit. Kids these days.) CLASS CHANGE.

Today I finally used a web form that had "Dr." as an option.

Today was the day the Burke-Gilman trail opened, too.

The omens are all lined up after all.

(I just have to edit more things, argh.)


May. 3rd, 2013 07:32 pm
jinian: (grumpy)
I have entered my personal information in two (2) web sites since my defense. Neither of them had an option for "Dr." Jerks!


hey love, I'm an inconstant satellite

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