Turns out when you have had sinus misery for about five months, and then you're crying really hard about your loneliness and how bad the world has turned out to be, you can give yourself a nosebleed.

Do not recommend.
jinian: (lost sakura)
After two months I expected to feel better rather than more traumatized. Nope. It's worse than when Dad died -- I lost him and was very upset that he wasn't in the world any more, but I knew about death and realized it was going to happen even if I hadn't felt the loss yet. To an extent I support the existence of death: it's needed for change, evolution, progress, for life really. The thing that happened between me and L is not a thing that should exist. I'm unlikely to ever not feel that the world is now a more terrible place.

I need a very considerate lover to take me to bed a lot, and I need to have nothing to do with humans for approximately a year. Since these are mutually exclusive as well as individually infeasible, I am stumbling along trying to enjoy friends, pottery, work, reading, and games, and just coping with the part where I'm scared to go to the damn grocery store.

back home

Dec. 28th, 2015 11:12 pm
jinian: (lost sakura)
... back to crying and going round and round in my head. And now my stomach won't quit grumbling.

Maybe I'll take one of Dad's pain pills.
jinian: (no comment)
I'm behind on saying all the fun and horrible stuff that's been going on -- there's a lot of it -- but here is what's happened on my trip so far.

1. Woke up far too early before leaving Boston, and while cleaning out my bag discovered I had a razor blade in it by slicing the living fuck out of my right pinkie. This bled for over half an hour despite pressure, adequately distracting me from useful things like bringing along the key to the storage unit I have things in here in Seattle. I eventually stuck a cotton ball on it with a band-aid over the top, and it had stopped bleeding by my transfer in Dallas (after saturating the cotton ball and making a giant cotton-imbued scab). I ripped most of the cotton off and have been keeping it dry, since it seems to have sealed up all right. Probably could have used stitches, but timing prevented.

2. Too tired to do anything fun after arriving on Xmas eve. Came to Mom's and stared into space a lot, then went to sleep. The ongoing sinus thing was not helped by air travel.

3. Still exhausted on Christmas, but swapped gifts with Mom and cried some, then headed to my cousin's. Three out of five people living there had a stomach bug recently, but BCA swore no one had thrown up in two days and she'd disinfected the house thoroughly, so we got peer-pressured into going. (What did I come across the country for if not to see people, after all.) Had a pretty good time, would have liked to leave after about half the time we spent there as is usual for family gatherings.

4. Relaxing day on the 26th. Went to the hardware store to find paint chips for Mom's bedroom and bathroom now that she's moved upstairs into Dad's old space and planning to rent out the downstairs.

5. At 2:30am on the 27th, I started throwing up. At 4:00am on the 27th, Mom started throwing up. It went on for about 4 hours in both cases. I slept through as much of yesterday as I could, which also meant a good deal of knitting and watching Game of Thrones. Toward evening I managed some broth and saltines instead of just soda and water. (Exactly one person in attendance at Christmas did not get sick. The judgmental people looked with more favor upon those who'd decided not to come after that.) I'd intended to see people, but that was not happening.

6. The plan was for me to leave at 12:40am last night, with a transfer in Minneapolis. I was feeling awful enough that I rebooked a direct flight for this morning instead. I have now woken up far too early, of course, partly due to a very growly stomach. There is nothing in you, stomach, shut it. Feeling acceptable so far apart from that, though.
jinian: (lost sakura)
The beauty of my situation right now is that there are so many worst case scenarios. It's really impressively efficient.

I did eat one of the things I made tonight, which was Cook's Illustrated sweet potato soup. The shallots softening gently in unsalted butter with sprigs of thyme were one of the best things I'd ever smelled, and the hot-water soak to break down starches is a fascinating idea that seemed to yield all the textural improvement that the article promised. Our blender lid is a leaky piece of shit, but I managed in the end to blend the soup without actually injuring myself. After getting sidetracked into mopping the floor, which is always a good idea when you haven't eaten in an unknown amount of time, I ate the soup with the recommended maple sour cream, and it was delicious.

The black bean burger stuff is allowed to sit hydrating for up to 24 hours, so I will plan to finish making that tomorrow, when my mother is here, or isn't.
jinian: (bachelor's button bud)
Saturday: Went in the afternoon to a local amusement park with a bunch of people. Went on three small roller coasters and one boat cruise as well as the scrambler which was inexplicably a rave. Came home in the car with a headache despite the good company, and discovered a slight fever on getting indoors, because apparently I am a frail Edwardian child. A good day, though.

Sunday: Saw new Mad Max, which goes to eleven thousand, and got Chinese food with humans. Overpeopled and lonely after, such a great combination. Very sore hand, really must go get prescribed things for joint badness. Random bleeding which should no longer be a thing, could only possibly be due to roller coasters, wtf.

Monday: Continued to use Grey's Anatomy as background noise/therapy while messing about leveling dragons and doing a lot of sewing. Some stuff came clear in my mind, or at least clear about why I'm mad that it's not clear. Ate a bunch of chocolate because yes I do want to be headachey forever shut up.


Apr. 6th, 2015 02:02 pm
jinian: (lost sakura)
So things are still hard. Little things are okay, normal level of engagement a lot of the time, normal level of enjoyment when previous is true. Bigger things are harder.

Yesterday I was pretty awesome. I had planned a duck egg curry dish that [personal profile] rushthatspeaks, [personal profile] gaudior, and I could all eat, which is not as easy as one might hope, and I ran around getting stuff for it and was reasonably clever in doing so, all good. I went to the flower market and was charming at people and came away with herbs and flowers, then planted them like an awesome person and texted pics to people. Then I sat down a bunch, then went to go cook. [personal profile] rushthatspeaks and I concocted a really amazing curry paste, and it was mostly me driving (though I maintain that my cooking-invention is of lesser quality than theirs generally), and we made a food and it was really good and I had been inventing it for days. And then it was over, and I didn't feel that much about it at all. I had enough interest to put into it, so that was good, but it wound up feeling pretty meh.

So that was discouraging. Life is hard and scary, I was hoping to be able to feel really happy about making something good, but that's not what happened. Made it tough to get going this morning. Even if I do awesome things I might not feel awesome, and okay yes depressed friends and lovers I get it now. But here I am at work doing things and going to seminars and being good to people, so fuck you depression.
jinian: (bad wolf)
Yesterday: Dad had fluid in his lungs and they wanted to talk to Mom about Options. I should please come home.

Last night: not much sleep because of stress waiting for info from Mom, of which none was forthcoming; for instance, did I need to get to the airport for a 7am flight? No word.

This morning: Dad didn't wake up at all last night, "could linger like this for a long time" (which neither of us knows how to parse), but his kidneys and liver seem better if still slow to work, and his blood pressure is up. Mom has an appointment with a palliative care person at 11 their time. I slept from 9 to noon my time. I could still potentially travel this evening, but we're waiting until after Mom's meeting to decide on plans.

(Simultaneously: Ph.D. advisor suddenly needs my laptop back for valid reasons, so I am hurriedly backing things up and clearing personal info from it, and giving it back in person instead of mailing it also depends on this trip that might not happen. Life is ridiculous.)


Dec. 24th, 2014 02:03 pm
Doctor's office called. My isurance is being a pain about covering the hysterectomy part of the surgery and wants me to try progesterone for two months first. OMGWTF INSURANCE.

Hard to convey how freaked out and unhappy I am right now. Have literally gone to Youtube to play myself some Enya.


Dec. 11th, 2014 05:36 pm
jinian: (lost sakura)
So I was a bonehead yesterday and thought I was doing something on a day that wasn't when I was doing it. Partly this is natural, since the day of it was changed fairly recently and then became a different routine, which I haven't had time to settle into yet, so it's not remarkable any more but also not a habit. Mostly I am headachey and in pain and haven't been able to sleep properly for a week or so.

I am pretty sure no one likes being a bonehead, though there may be some evolved souls who do not mind it so much, but it actually scares me. Braining is what I do. So that let me into a wonderful world of being terrified this afternoon -- not about danger from the surgery, but about what if it doesn't fix anything.

I mean, it will fix my menstrual cramps. That is a thing it will definitely do. But what if I can't eat still? What if I can't sleep right? What if I still have pain all the time? (I will have to get a nutritionist, yes, practical brain is still online, but also I will be miserable.) I can't do a good job on the work I want to do when my body is like this.

Hoping for a resolution makes that part WAY MORE SCARY. I mean, caring and hoping have generally been harder than enduring in my life. (Symptom of privilege, maybe.) It feels terrible, and I have to wait another three weeks before I can even get operated on, and there's a whole gauntlet of talking to family about it that I have to run before then. It sucks. But at least there's a chance of resolution this way, and if I'm thinking properly I know it's a good chance. Even if it doesn't work, I'll know more than I do now.
I have no idea as yet whether I can recommend the Mirena IUD. However, I can emphatically recommend against having the doctor poke around inside your actual uterus, attempt to place the fucking IUD half a dozen times, try to dilate your cervix more, and finally call the whole thing off in favor of an ultrasound and heavy sedatives at a later date.

So basically I have had all the pain and tiredness of the intended procedure times about four, with no actual benefit. Also, prolonged confusion about wtf we were doing next, and taking the bus the wrong direction when trying to get home.

Coping mechanisms so far include sugar, alcohol, podcasts, heating pad, and leftover tacos.
jinian: (lost sakura)
Context: Super crampy, like, for days, but especially terrible last night and this sweat-soaked morning. Made it to the pre-existing gynecologist appointment on time... at the wrong location. Fuuuuuck. Did not cry or yell at anyone, even the receptionist who was being kind of a jerk. Walked to the other location that would have been closer had I but known and got seen after jumping some more frustrating hoops. Luckily the NP was very nice, respectful and helpful, generally awesome, and obviously distressed at my pain and determined to get me seen by helpful further doctors. (We are still planning to try Mirena for now, but she thinks endometriosis could explain at least some of my too-damn-many pain issues and wants me to consult about exploratory laparoscopy, which, I've been on the fence anyway, fuck it let's do this.)

So here is some cheerful shit from the last week or so!

(what, sometimes my blanket NSFW warning becomes more relevant)

Parked near here sometimes is a polka dot motorbike! It has lots of exposed black mechanical parts, but the plastic panels are white with green dots of various sizes.

My poster design for the symposium Saturday was good. That'll teach people to assume I need help designing! And the symposium went well: I put an entitled dude in his place and had nice conversations with several people.

Saw a guy coasting down the street standing on his little buzzing dirt bike, with one hand ON HIS HIP like a fashion shoot. He had a little blond pompadour too. AMAZE.

Wow, all of these people belong in Paradise Kiss, especially the one with the orange headwrap.

Adorable comic about women, love, and magic.

My Buffy knowledge level (gained chiefly via fannish osmosis) was sufficient for me to recognize these as adorbs: http://kateordie.tumblr.com/post/100005371607/i-was-showing-off-my-christmas-elves-from-last

I saw saffron crocuses blooming today! Expect a drawing when my hands are less shaky.
jinian: (mokona world)
Mostly things are being very very stressful right now, because I am learning that one should NEVER EVER use U-Haul's U-Box service. For one thing, everyone I have spoken to there assured me that it is 100% impossible to change the payment method on an order after the order is placed, which... is a thing that businesses can do...? Not U-Haul, though! Also I have spent multiple hours on the phone talking to over a dozen people, getting nothing but runaround and confusion from people who were mostly rather nice but entirely unable to help me, because they almost to a one mentioned needing more training. Once I had found, through sheer luck, the one department that is able to change orders in the computer system, they proved to be unable to change them usefully -- my stuff's guaranteed-delivery-by date is now LATER than before. Aaaand last night when I called in having never gotten a confirmation for the promised pod pickup last Friday, I discovered that no such pickup had occurred, it was scheduled for this coming Wednesday. Ask [personal profile] rushthatspeaks and [personal profile] gaudior how happy I was then. I talked to the location manager, who said he would try to expedite it, but basically I am planning to move to my new apartment without my stuff being there (however frustrating that may be, and it SO IS) because NONE OF WHAT I WAS PROMISED IS TRUE. There will be some fucking refunds over this, I tell you what.

But! On Saturday for almost the whole day I was able to ignore that clusterfuck, and here are some good things.

1. When I was heading out to do errands, I found adorable free art on the sidewalk! I almost went past it to do my shopping, but decided I'd better grab it and take it home right away. There is a leopard and a giraffe, who must be like the giraffe first-grade teacher because she's leading three little giraffes, and they're all in a very flat-looking jungle. It's great.

2. Subsequently I went back out again and did my errands like an adult.

3. Nap.

4. For the first time here, I had a good interaction at the video store. Having watched The Fortune Cookie last night and found it dark and upsetting more than funny, I have to retroactively question the guy's judgement, but it was awfully nice to talk to an employee at that store who had the slightest interest in talking to customers. Plus, they had a display of Star Trek novels for $2.50, which included Uhura's Song in great shape, and when I bought it I think I managed to promote Hellspark to him effectively!

5. I had a lovely walk home from Porter in the still-humid-but-cool dusk, including a stop at the yogurt shop (where I resisted feeling like a jerk and told them how to cook their mochi a little longer to stop it being chalky, because it's been that way twice now and I want to eat it if it's good!) and walking a way I hadn't gone before to tie my mental map of the area together. There was a big pavilion set up outside Harvard Yard where they often put them for events, but no event right then, so a little kid was riding their bike around in it, which cheered me up even more.

6. Joss Whedon's 2012 film of Much Ado About Nothing is not perfect, but it's mostly very good, and there were several points that I've never seen done so well before. Unfortunately the person I was watching it with hasn't seen/read it a million times and didn't have subtitles, which made it a lot harder to follow. Sorry, J. I may watch it again myself before I take it back, though. :)
jinian: (algae)
Fuck today. Like Harry Potter, I have a lot to be upset about. (Apart from everything, on my way home the T turnstile ate my $9 ticket and my phone spontaneously started playing music and called Pamela. Maybe it thinks she likes the Pipettes.) But some good things:

1. Young girl outside my favorite church/dance theater this morning posing like the ballet-dancer statue while her family took photos.

2. Free lunch, and the ability to eat it.

3. Really lovely hair seen in the wild: precisely executed cornrows are a thing of beauty, but the winner was the one with perfect diamonds of scalp -> braids -> twisted crown.

Now I am in bed, and I am going to watch Spirited Away.
jinian: (FHL cockles)
1. Upsetting email turning into cheering texts and really great email and chat. It's all very confusing emotionally, but things are going to be fine.

2. Fiddly joys of messing about with botanical samples, and satisfaction of getting things looking much better!

3. Going to the store like a boss.
jinian: (mighty pea)
Happy things today: I felt much less exhausted and more like myself. Rest is friend to introverts.

My honeysuckle is blooming for the first time! I took a piece of it from near the Green Lake Library a couple of years ago when I lived near there, and now it lives at this house.

Also, glorious stacked-up clouds in white and gray today.

I'm tired of having thesis madness. But, to stop having thesis madness, don't you just fucking shape up? It's not like no one else wants to stay home all day and reread Gunnerkrigg Court instead of doing work.

And then it occurred to me that this is what people with depression think.

I talked to Wim about it, and he pointed out that it's also why people climbing a mountain use the trail switchbacks and rest periodically. I sulked. "Physical things are TOTALLY DIFFERENT." *laughter*

So I have a to-do list with entries for "eat lunch" and "shop for groceries" because that is where I am with things today. I do need to finish these edits, but it is okay if I ease back into doing things when they are mentally and emotionally hard.

[ETA: I just added "get me some Yotsuba" to the to-do list.]
jinian: (lost sakura)
Lost another friend yesterday, this one about as expectedly as possible. Staying home and making soup stock today. If I owe you email or anything, sorry, I'm trying to catch up.
jinian: Twilight Sparkle from MLP:FiM (scientific research)
I think I'm being plotted (against) by a petty yet Bujoldian imp at the moment. Nothing is drastically wrong with my life as a whole.* Many things are excellent.

However, the worst thing that could have happened with this experiment was:
(1) for different people to interpret it in contradictory ways -- the optimist first, then the expert, thus jerking me around severely;

(2) for one of the probes to apparently work but mark the wrong cell type, which a supposed collaborator knew and didn't tell me (he is also the optimist; the hell with this guy);

(3) and for the whole thing to need another overnight incubation to determine the final result, thus placing me in a state of ongoing stress when I need to be packing and partying.

(4) Lastly, I would discover that basically we have no usable results.

This is all precisely what did happen.

At least I was able to have amazingly delicious Chinese hot pot with my roommates last night, and they liked my Thai green curry. Tonight: farewell party, Wim arrives (we hope? he still has kind of an odyssey to get here once he lands, but the hotel reservation is here in Nagoya), FUCKING WELL FINISHED WITH EXPERIMENTS.

* Typo "howl", cue mild hysteria.
jinian: (lost sakura)
Today it occurred to me that this whole experiment of doom could be a Cardcaptor Sakura setup in which I'm deliberately being fucked with to cause me to try my hardest and become more awesome thereby. That would be unacceptable. Admittedly my limits are not where I thought they were, but there is no actual reason for this torture. (And I think it's the butterbur that moved the migraine limits, not some stupid endurance training.) Luckily I think it was merely a passing paranoid notion.

No one has any idea why it's going so poorly. We'll try to move forward with the crummy result from this step, but hell if I know whether it'll work. Damned embarrassing if it doesn't, but not actually the last chance for the paper revision, so we'll cope.

There continue to be good things, but right now the best one is I'M NOT IN LAB and I had a chance to buy groceries and shampoo, and do a little laundry tonight.


hey love, I'm an inconstant satellite

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