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jinianSo I was a bonehead yesterday and thought I was doing something on a day that wasn't when I was doing it. Partly this is natural, since the day of it was changed fairly recently and then became a different routine, which I haven't had time to settle into yet, so it's not remarkable any more but also not a habit. Mostly I am headachey and in pain and haven't been able to sleep properly for a week or so.
I am pretty sure no one likes being a bonehead, though there may be some evolved souls who do not mind it so much, but it actually scares me. Braining is what I do. So that let me into a wonderful world of being terrified this afternoon -- not about danger from the surgery, but about what if it doesn't fix anything.
I mean, it will fix my menstrual cramps. That is a thing it will definitely do. But what if I can't eat still? What if I can't sleep right? What if I still have pain all the time? (I will have to get a nutritionist, yes, practical brain is still online, but also I will be miserable.) I can't do a good job on the work I want to do when my body is like this.
Hoping for a resolution makes that part WAY MORE SCARY. I mean, caring and hoping have generally been harder than enduring in my life. (Symptom of privilege, maybe.) It feels terrible, and I have to wait another three weeks before I can even get operated on, and there's a whole gauntlet of talking to family about it that I have to run before then. It sucks. But at least there's a chance of resolution this way, and if I'm thinking properly I know it's a good chance. Even if it doesn't work, I'll know more than I do now.
I am pretty sure no one likes being a bonehead, though there may be some evolved souls who do not mind it so much, but it actually scares me. Braining is what I do. So that let me into a wonderful world of being terrified this afternoon -- not about danger from the surgery, but about what if it doesn't fix anything.
I mean, it will fix my menstrual cramps. That is a thing it will definitely do. But what if I can't eat still? What if I can't sleep right? What if I still have pain all the time? (I will have to get a nutritionist, yes, practical brain is still online, but also I will be miserable.) I can't do a good job on the work I want to do when my body is like this.
Hoping for a resolution makes that part WAY MORE SCARY. I mean, caring and hoping have generally been harder than enduring in my life. (Symptom of privilege, maybe.) It feels terrible, and I have to wait another three weeks before I can even get operated on, and there's a whole gauntlet of talking to family about it that I have to run before then. It sucks. But at least there's a chance of resolution this way, and if I'm thinking properly I know it's a good chance. Even if it doesn't work, I'll know more than I do now.
