Aug. 20th, 2015

jinian: (rarity hmm)
It turns out that, having bounced out of having been down since last year -- gigantic move, new difficult climate, unexpected breakup, worsening chronic pain, major surgery and recovery, death of a parent, heart attack of remaining parent, death of a pet, the thing is I am certain I am leaving things out -- I am having trouble forgiving myself for not being able to do things that I should totally have been able to do. Because now I can do them, so what was my problem?

(Boy, I really did not like it when my therapist forgave part of the cost for the appointment I missed because she figured I couldn't help it, either. I am supposed to be able to fix make do all the things, what is this doubting my capabilities?! Even when I don't, temporarily, actually have them.)

But right. I did not have the energy to do the work that needed to be done. There were weights on every part of me making everything much harder than it usually is.

The trick now is to figure out how to put my energy into the places it needs to go rather than skating along with the habits that used to be more adaptive and now are a bad plan.

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hey love, I'm an inconstant satellite

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