intimacy issues
Feb. 4th, 2010 12:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jinianPre-maundering cuteness note: PI brings us little presents when we do good things while she is away. Lecturing for her during her last trip to Japan counted: she brought me a little stuffed Jiji. I went eeee! and she said, "I got that because I knew you'd recognize it." I am all cuted that she knows that and got me a Studio Ghibli goodie on purpose.
Background info: I appear to have considerable trauma from my last relationship, in which, after a while of non-sexual non-platonic limbo, some emotional breaker flipped and I lost all interest. Was that really because it was just too hard? I still don't know. I forecast it early on in the relationship and was very upset at the time; when it happened I felt nothing.
Background info: I was basically in love with a friend in high school. Unfortunately he'd been hooked on someone else since time immemorial so wasn't interested. Although I dragged him to junior prom and warned him I was extremely curious about sex, I didn't pounce him, alas. (He didn't want me and was too -- religious? sin-based-ideologied, anyway -- for sex to be a good jolt to his system, and I hadn't done much so lacked confidence.) We had brief contact after HS, but I didn't know how to treat him carefully and then dropped the ball. I've tried several times to track him down with no success. I sometimes dream of him, though not for a while. I think I sat next to him on the bus once, but I couldn't bring myself to interrupt his reading.
Yeah, I know. More of the same to come.
More recently: I felt very close to someone for no reason during last summer's intensive class at Friday Harbor. We made pie together. He had a romance during that time that went wrong, and left without saying anything to anyone really, me included. Later I saw him around, didn't actually hug him, but emailed that I wanted to -- and left his return email (suggesting we hang out) to lie like a dead fish. He's not in our (coincidentally shared) office any more. I find out he is moving to Quebec with a girl. So I missed another chance. I was clearly more comfortable having another longing-for-a-person in my life than a friend.
I post because I had an insight a couple of days ago that my behavior might be because of the relationship trauma. Writing this, it's very clear that it's also an ongoing thing. Well. I suppose I cry buckets over Honey and Clover for a good reason, then.
Now: Someone reminds me of the traumatic relationship person. But, you know, we had a really pleasant dinner tonight. Maybe I am not totally hopeless.
Post-maundering additional excellence:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
trascendenza made me very happy by casting an all-female Star Trek XI and a few other things. Margaret Cho!! Janeane Garofalo! Large 'mounts yay.
Background info: I appear to have considerable trauma from my last relationship, in which, after a while of non-sexual non-platonic limbo, some emotional breaker flipped and I lost all interest. Was that really because it was just too hard? I still don't know. I forecast it early on in the relationship and was very upset at the time; when it happened I felt nothing.
Background info: I was basically in love with a friend in high school. Unfortunately he'd been hooked on someone else since time immemorial so wasn't interested. Although I dragged him to junior prom and warned him I was extremely curious about sex, I didn't pounce him, alas. (He didn't want me and was too -- religious? sin-based-ideologied, anyway -- for sex to be a good jolt to his system, and I hadn't done much so lacked confidence.) We had brief contact after HS, but I didn't know how to treat him carefully and then dropped the ball. I've tried several times to track him down with no success. I sometimes dream of him, though not for a while. I think I sat next to him on the bus once, but I couldn't bring myself to interrupt his reading.
Yeah, I know. More of the same to come.
More recently: I felt very close to someone for no reason during last summer's intensive class at Friday Harbor. We made pie together. He had a romance during that time that went wrong, and left without saying anything to anyone really, me included. Later I saw him around, didn't actually hug him, but emailed that I wanted to -- and left his return email (suggesting we hang out) to lie like a dead fish. He's not in our (coincidentally shared) office any more. I find out he is moving to Quebec with a girl. So I missed another chance. I was clearly more comfortable having another longing-for-a-person in my life than a friend.
I post because I had an insight a couple of days ago that my behavior might be because of the relationship trauma. Writing this, it's very clear that it's also an ongoing thing. Well. I suppose I cry buckets over Honey and Clover for a good reason, then.
Now: Someone reminds me of the traumatic relationship person. But, you know, we had a really pleasant dinner tonight. Maybe I am not totally hopeless.
Post-maundering additional excellence:
trascendenza made me very happy by casting an all-female Star Trek XI and a few other things. Margaret Cho!! Janeane Garofalo! Large 'mounts yay.
