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May. 20th, 2013
queerness and intentional community
May. 20th, 2013 10:43 pmI had a good conversation with the kids at Bio House yesterday, talking about nonstandard co-parenting arrangements and such. (D: "Group marriage!" M: "I'm not even talking about group marriage." Me: "I am!")
I hadn't known that they were thinking so hard about this, it was really nice. One guy was complaining that it's really hard to find people to be roommates with when your friends disappear into dyads to raise kids after a certain age, even if you personally value group living. I said being queer helps some with that. We're more often on the same page, and at least we've thought about whether we are or not, you know?
And they were all ten-plus years younger than me, and while I know they heard me they didn't - quite - get it. I am used to this, in the sad but relieved way that queer people older than me have always acted over my own comparative lack of trauma, because for these kids being gay wouldn't have been that hard, it is an option that they have heard of as more than a slur from the time they were little.
I thought about how to express my feeling on this, and the way I want to say it is that homosexuality is no longer enough to make you queer.* Queer is that you want something you're not supposed to, and you know that, so you make your own decisions about what you do want and how important it is to you. Homosexuals can get married now, you know, so we must want the same things as Everyone Else. Isn't that what we've been saying we want?
There are two problems with this. One is that I like queer people, dammit, and having fewer of us is bad. It's true that these straight kids were really thoughtful; I think it must have something to do with general tolerance and knowledge of available alternatives. So maybe I can get some of my community from sufficiently liberal straight kids. On the other hand, homosexuality is still scary and can get you in trouble, so I worry that younger gay kids will actually be more likely to fall in with the monogamous-nuclear-family railroading that's pushed on them.
The second problem is that I personally am being othered more now, because the umbrella of social acceptability is bigger and I still don't fit under it. I don't want to, but I do want some company out here in the sun. People are still not all the same. We shouldn't have to be.
One of the guys commented during our conversation, "We're all talking about our own things! I'm talking about roommates, you're talking about raising kids, you're talking about no kids..." Still, we basically agreed. We all wanted to think for ourselves and figure out what would work for us.
* Here and now in my liberal location, that is. I know this differs over space as well as time.
I hadn't known that they were thinking so hard about this, it was really nice. One guy was complaining that it's really hard to find people to be roommates with when your friends disappear into dyads to raise kids after a certain age, even if you personally value group living. I said being queer helps some with that. We're more often on the same page, and at least we've thought about whether we are or not, you know?
And they were all ten-plus years younger than me, and while I know they heard me they didn't - quite - get it. I am used to this, in the sad but relieved way that queer people older than me have always acted over my own comparative lack of trauma, because for these kids being gay wouldn't have been that hard, it is an option that they have heard of as more than a slur from the time they were little.
I thought about how to express my feeling on this, and the way I want to say it is that homosexuality is no longer enough to make you queer.* Queer is that you want something you're not supposed to, and you know that, so you make your own decisions about what you do want and how important it is to you. Homosexuals can get married now, you know, so we must want the same things as Everyone Else. Isn't that what we've been saying we want?
There are two problems with this. One is that I like queer people, dammit, and having fewer of us is bad. It's true that these straight kids were really thoughtful; I think it must have something to do with general tolerance and knowledge of available alternatives. So maybe I can get some of my community from sufficiently liberal straight kids. On the other hand, homosexuality is still scary and can get you in trouble, so I worry that younger gay kids will actually be more likely to fall in with the monogamous-nuclear-family railroading that's pushed on them.
The second problem is that I personally am being othered more now, because the umbrella of social acceptability is bigger and I still don't fit under it. I don't want to, but I do want some company out here in the sun. People are still not all the same. We shouldn't have to be.
One of the guys commented during our conversation, "We're all talking about our own things! I'm talking about roommates, you're talking about raising kids, you're talking about no kids..." Still, we basically agreed. We all wanted to think for ourselves and figure out what would work for us.
* Here and now in my liberal location, that is. I know this differs over space as well as time.