cautionary message

While I remain unconvinced that panties can spontaneously fall down, I have recently amassed evidence supporting the idea that recalcitrant tights, specifically those lacking waistband elastic, can through some principle of sympathy encourage them earthward. Further, if this situation is not corrected promptly, the none-too-tight thrift-store skirt waistband to which the tights have been secured by safety pins may also begin to succumb to gravity's pull. In conclusion, the author urges wearers of tights not to be taken in by the siren song of "the right color" and instead to heed the warnings of "five years old and slack as an extremely slack thing."