worst breakup ever

[jinian]

After two months I expected to feel better rather than more traumatized. Nope. It's worse than when Dad died -- I lost him and was very upset that he wasn't in the world any more, but I knew about death and realized it was going to happen even if I hadn't felt the loss yet. To an extent I support the existence of death: it's needed for change, evolution, progress, for life really. The thing that happened between me and L is not a thing that should exist. I'm unlikely to ever not feel that the world is now a more terrible place.

I need a very considerate lover to take me to bed a lot, and I need to have nothing to do with humans for approximately a year. Since these are mutually exclusive as well as individually infeasible, I am stumbling along trying to enjoy friends, pottery, work, reading, and games, and just coping with the part where I'm scared to go to the damn grocery store.

Comments

[heavenscalyx]

I'm so sorry. That sucks. :(

[jinian]

It does. And it's not like I can't deal, but when my own therapist tells me she keeps thinking I'm fine because I act like I'm Totally Fine, I start thinking maybe I should talk about the part where I feel terrible always. Working on it.

[heavenscalyx]

Sometimes one gets so invested in "fake it til you make it" that it's hard to turn off. And you had a super crappy 2015, so it's no surprise that you've hit a wall of grief.

[kalmn]

Oh honey. I'm sorry.

When in a somewhat similar set of feelings, grocery delivery was amazing. They would come dump big green boxes on my steps, I would wait until they had gone and sneak out and get my food.

[jinian]

That is a good practical idea for the grocery store thing! I got through it yesterday by thinking of how I would tell them off if I ran into them and they tried to talk to me.

[umadoshi]

I'm sorry things are so awful right now. ;_;

[jinian]

Thanks. ♥

[genarti]

Oh, friend, I'm so sorry.

[jinian]

You are actively helping, so thank you very much. ♥

[were_duck]

I'm so so so sorry. Wishing you healing and that you can keep doing what you're doing :(

[jinian]

Thank you.

[boxofdelights]

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better.

[jinian]

I know, jeez. And I won't even be able to hug you at Wiscon this year. *virtual hugs instead*

[ursula]

:(

[jinian]

Luckily there are many good things too.

[ursula]

I read this while unexpectedly stuck overnight in Phoenix, and was mentally sending you sunrise over the mountains.

[jinian]

That's a wonderful image, thank you!