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mental health day
May. 7th, 2013 11:30 amLost another friend yesterday, this one about as expectedly as possible. Staying home and making soup stock today. If I owe you email or anything, sorry, I'm trying to catch up.
the author of my life needs kicking
Dec. 13th, 2012 03:20 pmI think I'm being plotted (against) by a petty yet Bujoldian imp at the moment. Nothing is drastically wrong with my life as a whole.* Many things are excellent.
However, the worst thing that could have happened with this experiment was:
(1) for different people to interpret it in contradictory ways -- the optimist first, then the expert, thus jerking me around severely;
(2) for one of the probes to apparently work but mark the wrong cell type, which a supposed collaborator knew and didn't tell me (he is also the optimist; the hell with this guy);
(3) and for the whole thing to need another overnight incubation to determine the final result, thus placing me in a state of ongoing stress when I need to be packing and partying.
(4) Lastly, I would discover that basically we have no usable results.
This is all precisely what did happen.
At least I was able to have amazingly delicious Chinese hot pot with my roommates last night, and they liked my Thai green curry. Tonight: farewell party, Wim arrives (we hope? he still has kind of an odyssey to get here once he lands, but the hotel reservation is here in Nagoya), FUCKING WELL FINISHED WITH EXPERIMENTS.
* Typo "howl", cue mild hysteria.
However, the worst thing that could have happened with this experiment was:
(1) for different people to interpret it in contradictory ways -- the optimist first, then the expert, thus jerking me around severely;
(2) for one of the probes to apparently work but mark the wrong cell type, which a supposed collaborator knew and didn't tell me (he is also the optimist; the hell with this guy);
(3) and for the whole thing to need another overnight incubation to determine the final result, thus placing me in a state of ongoing stress when I need to be packing and partying.
(4) Lastly, I would discover that basically we have no usable results.
This is all precisely what did happen.
At least I was able to have amazingly delicious Chinese hot pot with my roommates last night, and they liked my Thai green curry. Tonight: farewell party, Wim arrives (we hope? he still has kind of an odyssey to get here once he lands, but the hotel reservation is here in Nagoya), FUCKING WELL FINISHED WITH EXPERIMENTS.
* Typo "howl", cue mild hysteria.
failure continues
Dec. 2nd, 2012 09:24 pmToday it occurred to me that this whole experiment of doom could be a Cardcaptor Sakura setup in which I'm deliberately being fucked with to cause me to try my hardest and become more awesome thereby. That would be unacceptable. Admittedly my limits are not where I thought they were, but there is no actual reason for this torture. (And I think it's the butterbur that moved the migraine limits, not some stupid endurance training.) Luckily I think it was merely a passing paranoid notion.
No one has any idea why it's going so poorly. We'll try to move forward with the crummy result from this step, but hell if I know whether it'll work. Damned embarrassing if it doesn't, but not actually the last chance for the paper revision, so we'll cope.
There continue to be good things, but right now the best one is I'M NOT IN LAB and I had a chance to buy groceries and shampoo, and do a little laundry tonight.
No one has any idea why it's going so poorly. We'll try to move forward with the crummy result from this step, but hell if I know whether it'll work. Damned embarrassing if it doesn't, but not actually the last chance for the paper revision, so we'll cope.
There continue to be good things, but right now the best one is I'M NOT IN LAB and I had a chance to buy groceries and shampoo, and do a little laundry tonight.
there are still good things
Dec. 2nd, 2012 08:58 amFifteen hours of work yesterday. Not successful. Going in today for what is bound to be at least a whole day.
But, I got a postcard from baratron and a family Xmas card in the mail last night. Also M at the lab brought in a garland his wife made: little reindeer embroidered with sciencey best wishes.
But, I got a postcard from baratron and a family Xmas card in the mail last night. Also M at the lab brought in a garland his wife made: little reindeer embroidered with sciencey best wishes.
why is it all so bizarre
Oct. 30th, 2012 05:11 pmI just paid my rent.
First option: the ATM card. Doesn't work, won't do this trick for American cards.
Second option: the post office. Helped me with the ATM cash remittance mode, which is completely non-obvious, but choked when I didn't have a phone number. What? I am not buying a Japanese phone for less than three months' stay.
Third option: the convenience store. I walked in and apologized for my cluelessness, he had me touch a screen,* he took my money and stamped the stub and that was it. But how the hell is rent paid at a convenience store? There is an office right in the dorm lobby, I would have been happy to hand money to them, but no.
My headache is back. But, hey, it was a convenience store, and here that means they sell liquor. I'm going to have umeshu and ramen for dinner now.
* What did I agree to, I wonder? I think it's just some weird ad since I had to do it again when I bought things, though it looked different that time.
First option: the ATM card. Doesn't work, won't do this trick for American cards.
Second option: the post office. Helped me with the ATM cash remittance mode, which is completely non-obvious, but choked when I didn't have a phone number. What? I am not buying a Japanese phone for less than three months' stay.
Third option: the convenience store. I walked in and apologized for my cluelessness, he had me touch a screen,* he took my money and stamped the stub and that was it. But how the hell is rent paid at a convenience store? There is an office right in the dorm lobby, I would have been happy to hand money to them, but no.
My headache is back. But, hey, it was a convenience store, and here that means they sell liquor. I'm going to have umeshu and ramen for dinner now.
* What did I agree to, I wonder? I think it's just some weird ad since I had to do it again when I bought things, though it looked different that time.
any suggestions?
Oct. 11th, 2012 08:27 amI should find myself some native English speakers to hang out with. I don't want them, I want my friends, but I think I should have some in-person relaxing contact of some kind. All the Japanese folks are nice, my roommates are great, but I want conversations without that baseline of cultural/linguistic worry. I have no idea how to find such people. (Especially since I want them queer and about my age, not these annoying American undergrads.)
Still no internet at home and no word on whan it might happen.
Still no internet at home and no word on whan it might happen.
Logan airport
Aug. 29th, 2012 02:54 pmSo far I have gone to the wrong terminal, followed the signs to the right terminal which led me through a parking garage (?), gotten books (new Ilona Andrews and some logic puzzles), gone through security fine, and started feeling truly crappy even with Aleve. Whose bright idea was menstruation anwyay. I get to travel with hormonal premonitions of doom while my uterus is everting its insides like a sea cucumber.
IF I DIE I LOVED YOU ALL
Well. Before that I ate bao. So.
IF I DIE I LOVED YOU ALL
Well. Before that I ate bao. So.
little annoyances make a post
Jul. 19th, 2012 04:33 pm1. Sinuses.
1a. Sore throat.
1b. Headache ow goddammit.
1c. Fever? Or at least sleepy-exhaustion. Just out of it.
2. Library not open in the morning; I have a thing waiting on the hold shelf, and I always think it opens at ten Wed/Thurs, and it does NOT.
3. Exactly the wrong temperature all day, so I keep taking my pants on and off. (Yes, I'm at work. I am wearing a dress with jeans. I have just proven how that's adaptive, so there.)
4. When reading old things on the web, the links don't work any more.
5. I got a different result for my qPCR compared to the last time, which is what I wanted. It makes no sense either, though, which is suboptimal.
1a. Sore throat.
1b. Headache ow goddammit.
1c. Fever? Or at least sleepy-exhaustion. Just out of it.
2. Library not open in the morning; I have a thing waiting on the hold shelf, and I always think it opens at ten Wed/Thurs, and it does NOT.
3. Exactly the wrong temperature all day, so I keep taking my pants on and off. (Yes, I'm at work. I am wearing a dress with jeans. I have just proven how that's adaptive, so there.)
4. When reading old things on the web, the links don't work any more.
5. I got a different result for my qPCR compared to the last time, which is what I wanted. It makes no sense either, though, which is suboptimal.
exploring depression!
May. 9th, 2012 10:42 amThis morning I seriously considered not getting out of bed. When I did get out of bed, I started crying -- hilariously, this was highly photogenic crying, the one gentle tear slipping down the face kind. I felt afraid to take the levetiracetam, to which I have felt an aversion for the last few days, but decided I was being a drama queen and I could make myself do it. So I took it, because apparently I am too stubborn to know what is good for me.
What is it that I'm waiting for before I stop? I think I want multiple other people to tell me to stop taking this stuff, because that would mean they cared. This isn't my feeling that people who love me should want to talk to me (which I still think is pretty reasonable!), it's a very stereotypical teenage "gimme attention" feeling and I didn't think I had any more of those.
Well, I am being stupid. The NIH says depression is a SERIOUS SIDE EFFECT and I should CALL MY DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY, so I am off to do that. Hopefully I will also stop weeping single crystalline tears, as I am now at work and that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't imagine the depression will go away within seconds, so hugs and cheering would be most welcome.
[ETA: Doc is out this week but will call me back. Plugged in phone so I can receive the call. Go me.]
What is it that I'm waiting for before I stop? I think I want multiple other people to tell me to stop taking this stuff, because that would mean they cared. This isn't my feeling that people who love me should want to talk to me (which I still think is pretty reasonable!), it's a very stereotypical teenage "gimme attention" feeling and I didn't think I had any more of those.
Well, I am being stupid. The NIH says depression is a SERIOUS SIDE EFFECT and I should CALL MY DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY, so I am off to do that. Hopefully I will also stop weeping single crystalline tears, as I am now at work and that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't imagine the depression will go away within seconds, so hugs and cheering would be most welcome.
[ETA: Doc is out this week but will call me back. Plugged in phone so I can receive the call. Go me.]
sucky med is sucky
May. 8th, 2012 12:56 pmStill depressed and unenergetic with the levetiracetam. No headache benefit so far. I suppose it's more adaptive to feel unsafe and burrowish for the three days I was kind of stoned, but I sure preferred the relaxed, lovey style of the topiramate loopiness.
Not sure whether I am "bitchy" or not. I've felt fairly miserable and went off over nothing once, but I don't think I'm having extra aggressiveness. Mostly I just wish I had nothing to do except hide in a hole and maybe play in the dirt.
At least I am procrastinating usefully? I got a LOT of Rainbowgrads stuff done this morning instead of research. Also, toes look like beans.
Not sure whether I am "bitchy" or not. I've felt fairly miserable and went off over nothing once, but I don't think I'm having extra aggressiveness. Mostly I just wish I had nothing to do except hide in a hole and maybe play in the dirt.
At least I am procrastinating usefully? I got a LOT of Rainbowgrads stuff done this morning instead of research. Also, toes look like beans.
missing a concert tonight
Apr. 8th, 2012 07:27 pmWhen you feel like you might throw up at any moment, it is not a good time to go out. Even to see James, when you've loved them since the early 90s and bought the tickets months ago.
Saltines really cannot compete, and I already finished the new Foreigner novel.
Saltines really cannot compete, and I already finished the new Foreigner novel.
stuck in the airport
Mar. 5th, 2012 12:21 amHeading to University of Virginia for my FRET microscopy workshop, which I've been waiting for for nine months! I'd be excited except that my flight was supposed to leave at 11:38 and we're not boarding for another hour. I'm going to miss my connection in DC. The next flight they could get me on won't get me there for registration, lunch, or the first talk. So annoying! (I also don't foresee being able to sleep whatsoever, which is only partly due to frustration. Mostly I just can't.) Next time I am so paying for the extra night in a hotel before the thing I'm trying to get to.
dizzy and weak
Dec. 12th, 2011 11:32 amI blame progesterone withdrawal. I've stopped taking it due to a combination of suspicion (that it was messing with my immune system) and coincidence (my doctor didn't call in the prescription in time). I have felt dizzy even while lying down, which is kind of an accomplishment. Luckily I'm not prone to motion sickness and have had only a touch of nausea with it.
The prescription is now in. I guess the thing to do would be go get the pills and try taking one to see if it helps the dizziness, huh?
The prescription is now in. I guess the thing to do would be go get the pills and try taking one to see if it helps the dizziness, huh?
*tears hair*
Nov. 12th, 2011 12:47 amI've had a really hard time scheduling my committee meeting this year. Like, I didn't have one since two years ago, hard time. And it's all set for November 28th. Only, ha ha! The graduate school representative (absolutely required for the meeting to occur) emailed me tonight that she's taking emergency family leave until January. It's my fault that I let it go this far, but MUST THE UNIVERSE HATE ME?
(At least I have two backups: one imaging person I've talked to about my work but who knows if she's available, and one advisor's husband.)
(At least I have two backups: one imaging person I've talked to about my work but who knows if she's available, and one advisor's husband.)
Japan trip report 21-23 Sep
Sep. 29th, 2011 11:08 pm(Finally back in a place with internet access! I'm mostly doing stuff rather than writing, but here is some writing.)
( 21 September )
( 22 September )
( 23 September )
( 21 September )
( 22 September )
( 23 September )
negative karma
Sep. 24th, 2011 02:29 amDespite my visiting a shrine AND a temple today, getting Wim to Nagoya was major doom. Like, luggage lost, enormous shinkansen fuckery, took a wrong turn to the guest house in the dark doom. But we are here now and actually everyone was super nice throughout, just couldn't stop the doom. Crashing now.
head explody
Sep. 16th, 2011 03:38 amNot only am I IN TOKYO NOW, where it is like the rainy side of Hawai'i (heat, humidity, and tropical-looking plants) and crowded and amazing; not only did I completely fail to sleep on the plane due to excitement; not only does my bed have no top sheet despite being otherwise totally Western-style; but my talk?
Is tomorrow morning (Saturday), not Sunday like I thought.
It's nearly 4am Seattle time, but I'm trying to stay up until a reasonable hour here. Practicing my talk would be easier if I had more brain right now.
Is tomorrow morning (Saturday), not Sunday like I thought.
It's nearly 4am Seattle time, but I'm trying to stay up until a reasonable hour here. Practicing my talk would be easier if I had more brain right now.
objectively stressful, right?
Jul. 18th, 2011 12:43 pmTomorrow: I have class (which I thought would be over by now), so a trip across campus on the bad foot, a portfolio due, and a final presentation.
Before Wednesday evening: I have a poster to finish and print, because I'm traveling to Chicago for an academic conference, at which the hotel is full and I don't yet know where I'm staying. [ETA: Okay, I have a hotel. It's a mile away, but transit and cabs exist.]
Wednesday morning-afternoon: I have a lab meeting presentation to give, plus all day I am showing my time-lapse process to a software guy.
By the end of July, but really RIGHT NOW: I don't know how to replace my lost passport soon enough to make my travel arrangements for going to Japan in September; they want a passport number before they can make reservations, but the agencies for getting things promptly require "proof of travel." [ETA: Called passport people again; no help. Wrote to Japanese admin asking why they need it and whether 2-3 week turnaround will work, else can they write me a letter saying why they need it as "proof."]
Before fall quarter?: I need to have a committee meeting, but my advisor is being weird (saying we should meet but then not suggesting a time or seeming available at all, telling me she doesn't know what's going on but then telling me how much work I'm not doing).
Someday? When?: Finish my Ph.D. but GOD KNOWS WHEN.
Before Wednesday evening: I have a poster to finish and print, because I'm traveling to Chicago for an academic conference, at which the hotel is full and I don't yet know where I'm staying. [ETA: Okay, I have a hotel. It's a mile away, but transit and cabs exist.]
Wednesday morning-afternoon: I have a lab meeting presentation to give, plus all day I am showing my time-lapse process to a software guy.
By the end of July, but really RIGHT NOW: I don't know how to replace my lost passport soon enough to make my travel arrangements for going to Japan in September; they want a passport number before they can make reservations, but the agencies for getting things promptly require "proof of travel." [ETA: Called passport people again; no help. Wrote to Japanese admin asking why they need it and whether 2-3 week turnaround will work, else can they write me a letter saying why they need it as "proof."]
Before fall quarter?: I need to have a committee meeting, but my advisor is being weird (saying we should meet but then not suggesting a time or seeming available at all, telling me she doesn't know what's going on but then telling me how much work I'm not doing).
Someday? When?: Finish my Ph.D. but GOD KNOWS WHEN.
