State: I feel normal-sad a lot of the time, but I really seem to be losing track of how long it's been between things happening. It's hard to know what feelings are justified and what's just getting upset over nothing. I don't feel sad about my dad, just sad, and volatile in other ways sometimes, and not enjoying things I should. Currently investigating therapy, because I actually do have a lot to cope with and not a lot of wherewithal. (Plus, really no experience with making things happen despite long-term depression. Normally I watch a movie and make cookie dough and go to sleep, and feel better in the morning.)

from when we saw Great Lake Swimmers )
looking for a greenhouse to volunteer in )
digital painting )
seedlings )
mosquito horizon )

update

Apr. 6th, 2015 02:02 pm
jinian: (lost sakura)
So things are still hard. Little things are okay, normal level of engagement a lot of the time, normal level of enjoyment when previous is true. Bigger things are harder.

Yesterday I was pretty awesome. I had planned a duck egg curry dish that [personal profile] rushthatspeaks, [personal profile] gaudior, and I could all eat, which is not as easy as one might hope, and I ran around getting stuff for it and was reasonably clever in doing so, all good. I went to the flower market and was charming at people and came away with herbs and flowers, then planted them like an awesome person and texted pics to people. Then I sat down a bunch, then went to go cook. [personal profile] rushthatspeaks and I concocted a really amazing curry paste, and it was mostly me driving (though I maintain that my cooking-invention is of lesser quality than theirs generally), and we made a food and it was really good and I had been inventing it for days. And then it was over, and I didn't feel that much about it at all. I had enough interest to put into it, so that was good, but it wound up feeling pretty meh.

So that was discouraging. Life is hard and scary, I was hoping to be able to feel really happy about making something good, but that's not what happened. Made it tough to get going this morning. Even if I do awesome things I might not feel awesome, and okay yes depressed friends and lovers I get it now. But here I am at work doing things and going to seminars and being good to people, so fuck you depression.
jinian: (lost sakura)
Doing a small number of useful work things. Making foods. Eating a little too much or too little of the foods, but not terrible or anything. Trying to hang out with humans. Maybe getting more involved in a game community. Running errands.

Not doing well really, but keeping it together and getting some sense of accomplishment sometimes.

wake

Mar. 9th, 2015 07:17 am
jinian: (bad wolf)
Dad's wake was Sunday. We couldn't possibly have had more beautiful weather, sunny and over 60 F, and about 35 people came. It was really great.

Read more... )

This morning we're meeting with the funeral home to arrange Dad's cremation. The plan is to scatter his ashes in the river next to the cabin, the next time I visit. Then I'm heading up into Seattle to visit the lab, see M-pig, and get some stuff from the storage unit. Then tomorrow afternoon I'm flying back to Boston.

So far, so much keeping it together like a boss. Not sure when I'm going to be able to sleep properly or not have my stomach unhappy, though. Probably I will allow a day of crash on Wednesday and return to work Thursday. I don't really have an icon for this, but Bad Wolf is pretty damn close -- stretched too thin for my actual capabilities, but accomplishing the world. Sometimes whether I like it or not.
jinian: (c'est la vie)
This usually helps when I'm feeling down. Also it turns out there are loads of good things!

1. Wrote to several interesting women on OKCupid. (There are not enough women in my life socially; also I am a mostly-frustrated Kinsey 4+.)

2. This morning one of my roommates had put the toilet brush into the trash can instead of its holder. I cracked up laughing, and he allowed as how he would've laughed too if he'd been the one seeing it instead of the one asleep enough to do it.

3. Having multiple moments of really liking my body. It's not actively trying to kill me at this point, and my waist-hip area is so pretty.

4. Changed insole and lacing configuration on my Docs for greatly improved stompling power!

5. Glitter snow tonight!

6. I don't really understand TMI, but this is it probably )

Also the other day I saw a bike with GIANT TIRES, so that was pretty fantastic.
Having dreams about things like uprooting tree trunks that would otherwise grow back trees and accidentally exalting hatchling pixeldragons that I should really have done more with. Yes, thanks, subconscious, I am aware that I will be shutting off uterine possibilities.

Came down with a mild cold today, ugh. Rested rather than working, even though we're time limited on the demo equipment, because I really must get well before Monday. It might not be as mild as I thought, though, since I also failed completely to parse a knitting pattern for something I've made before. Probably it's what Dad had while I was there, in which case it's not a really bad bug, just makes you tired mostly.

Roommate is still not home, which is a little nice and a little weird. I assume he's still at his wife's, and alive and all, though it's been two days longer than expected. Anyway, I am sticking to my chore routine even though he won't be bothered if the kitchen's not cleaned daily, because it turns out I like it clean too. (Mostly I pride myself on being able to work in tight spaces, so not cleaning is a weird way to make there be tight spaces so that pride can occur; my brain is weird.) Also I don't bother putting on pants when I have to use the bathroom in the night.

Foxglove Summer was pretty great and I remain happy that the U Bookstore SF section drives to Canada occasionally or whatever they do to get my UK editions.

No idea wtf my uterus is up to. I had the PMS backache on schedule, and then... no bleeding. Perhaps I have scared it into submission? I am not going to argue if I don't have another period before the surgery, but it's a bit strange. That and I'm worried it's actually gathering its strength for one last round of epic misery, ha.
jinian: (fft ninja)
Today was one of those "no good deed goes unpunished" days. Still good things about it, though:

0. This is more weird than good, but I am impressed enough with the inside of my head right now that it goes here: my strange sleeping-too-warm dream from last night was that Bucky Barnes was having an abortion and wanted me there.

1. I had a burrito for lunch that I think was actually safe for me to eat. So far so good! And so satisfying.

2. Former PI specifically solicited my input on something and was all respectful when I gave it.

3. I remodeled the thin foam pads I'm using for my bed so that they're folded in thirds instead of in half, and, while the result is only slightly wider than my actual butt, it's also 150% as comfortable as the previous configuration.
jinian: Unikitty from the Lego Movie in business attire (unikitty)
I've been semi-keeping track.

Friday:
1. Got a 30-gallon long tank for the axies, for whenever they arrive. USPS allows shipping of amphibians! Wim kinda wants to keep them for longer, but maybe he should get his own. :)

2. Successful human-management skills! Confusing situation with a lost package, got referred to the mailroom guy, he was like "I dunno" -- and I pulled out "what do you think I should do?" (because I didn't in fact know, but also because he had knowledge and wasn't giving it to me). Fifteen minutes later, problem solved. By him.

Sunday:
1. Lovely outing to thrift store, where I got surprise stompy boots!

2. And surprise backing fabric for the Wim quilt. Wasn't thinking that a red would be in it at all, but it works!

Monday:
1. Nice morning at home and then acupuncture.

2. Pretty girls are outside. One had spots like a dalmatian, which I suppose is considered a disorder of some kind, but it looked beautiful, like stars and galaxies all over her arms.

3. Biodiversity Heritage Library... so pretty...

4. I have a sweater now! First day I've been totally comfortable at work.

5. Super fun time writing an impromptu choose-your-own-adventure story for my racing game people.

happiness

Jun. 10th, 2014 11:57 pm
jinian: (birdsquee)
Mon-daily happiness

1. Good interactions with bosses past and present.

2. Had enough energy to cook dinner and lunch for tomorrow!

3. I even sewed a bit in the evening. So nice.

4. Apartment to myself!

Tues-daily happiness

1. Organizing with persnickety details and Linnaean binomials. I even got to sort little bits of dried leaf out of sand. (This is tremendously satisfying, don't judge me.)

2. Korean market is fascinating and full of awesome things.

3. Date time with [personal profile] rushthatspeaks!
Posting this almost unedited from my barely-awake typing, because I find my sleepy self hilarious.

most amazing dream:

vaguely postapocalyptic future

there had been some past widespread factory prodution of prostate stimulation toys

it had been supported by a vast marketing campaign involving claymation videos of their toys' production, with songs. cannot render the amazingness here. like, unnecessary numbers of cute and hilarious intermediate steps: a sea lion with ribbons, all multicolors of clay going onto the core and zipping off again, clay blooming into petals and fingers before being smoothed down into the final shape with adorably inefficient compressing machinery.

some interpersonal plot where an unknown person and one of my friends joined me in a sand pit as i was looking at promo material, first a comic and then the above video, in wonder

and the factories/theme parks were all associated with hot/warm springs for swimming

so at the end of the video the park's heat lamps turned on, and we went swimming with other people who showed up

but some people were mad at each other and some were mad at me for delaying them somehow, idk

how was this dream so awesome? i woke amazed

It was as if Willy Wonka ran Babeland. I can't even. Of course the factories were also theme parks and came with hot springs. Obviously.

I mean, if you have to pick a world to be postapocalyptic from...
jinian: (learning kyo)
1. Slept much better than I have lately after discussing self-soothing strategies and taking a bath (for which I cleverly rigged lighting so I could read Year of the Griffin in the tub despite my terrible bathroom configuration).

2. I do not understand how this happened, but this happened:

[image of a huge mechanical crane with its front wheels entirely off the ground]

3. Rainbowgrads is updating their constitution. I am so happy that my little organization is still holding together and doing things!

4. Cracked myself up with my own reaction to these vaginal fingering techniques when I got to "Cervix Clock" -- I made a terrible face, squirmed, thought "ewww noooo", and actually crossed my legs. (This undermines all my grand pronouncements about having a reaction-filter pretty thoroughly, doesn't it?) Some of the others were just like "who came up with THAT?" and the cumulative effect of the whole strangely creative and specific page had me crying with suppressed laughter (because of course I was reading this at work).

5. More crying at work, courtesy of Greg Rucka. "I am the father of a daughter, and she is my light, and she shines, and I want for her every-fucking-thing she desires, and I want those things for her earned, not given; I want for her the reward of effort. I want for her inclusion. I want for her validation. I want for her a world that recognizes her worth as a human being." YES. That fiercest love. (Emphasis mine.)
jinian: Unikitty from the Lego Movie in business attire (unikitty)
1. I looooove my hips. <3 So I put on a dress that makes me look amazing, and then put on a big flannel over top, because that's what my social presentation wanted to do today. I look like a bit of a lump, but I feel like dancing. Princess in disguise!

2. Wrote to people like a boss, and got adorable responses.

3. Stopped on the way to school and wrote out some introspection in a park under the highway. It wouldn't work every day, but it worked beautifully today. (And will probably be revised and posted tomorrow.)

4. PI's glee when she got back from downtown, where Sakuracon has begun.
jinian: (lost sakura)
1. Resting when sick is a good idea and feels relatively good. Also, it allows a person to play Long Live the Queen several times.

2. Going to the doctor is virtuous, and I got to see the RN I like. Not excited about taking a bunch of doxycycline, but looking forward to not having a horror show in my head and throat.

3. And I still got some work done, though I was too stupid to write. (I claim this word: I am in a literal semi-stupor.)

4. Hachiko-axolotl is totally fine at 4 degrees C, and shedding fungus like a tiny sluggish boss.

5. Set myself up a chore rota. Decided to my satisfaction (1) that it's still a rota even if it's one-dimensional and (2) that the trivial case of a rota would be one person doing the same thing every day. Mondays are now mending days, and I tightened buttonholes on the duvet cover with the red poppies.
jinian: (takoyaki)
Wednesday:

1. Still laughing at everything about this Autostraddle article, study shows.

2. Had a great conversation about our outfits with grad friend G in the morning. He is assembling a retro-style hiking outfit, which includes amazing laced-up shins on the trousers.

3. Frustrating therapist visit did lead me to figure out what was wrong with me on my own! Not so much to solve it though.

4. Experiment that was the devil turned out to have quite an interesting result.

5. Made M-pig (1) dinner, (2) laugh a whole lot.

Thursday:

1. Inner Rarity has been writhing on the fainting couch for some time now. Luckily I also have an inner Twilight Sparkle, today invoked and supported by an excellent t-shirt and nail polish. I made very good progress on the proposal.

2. Akebia fruit! The flowers were so tiny, and the fruit are so big. I didn't try eating them. (also they are totally vulvas, but the only other person who thought so appears to have written a remarkably skeevy poem with which I do not wish to associate myself, so I never said that)

3. The skinny isosceles triangles on the roof of Meany Hall, shining in the pale cyan light.

4. Soup and walking and sex and Rock Band.
jinian: (Thalictrum uchiyamai)
1. SRS BZNS fellowship writing today: tea, hanten, office. Writing experiments on slips of paper and shuffling them to get alternative structures was a smart idea too. Screw you, House Republicans, I am getting this thing done on time even if I can't submit it because the NSF had to take their web site and go home.

2. The Yay genderform! is always so cheering to look at. Today's favorite: chapstick lesbian.

3. Coming out of my underground office to find sunshine and intense autumnal blue skies, a bookstore full of Japanese schoolgirls, and Ancillary Justice.

4. I felt terrible and depressed, so I did useful self-care things (like eating vegetables) and virtuous housecleaning chores (like laundry and dishes and taking out trash). And those things made me feel better. And then I ate cookies.

5. Hyperventilated until I almost died over Night Vale 32. Twice. And then [personal profile] thingswithwings was excessively brilliant about its queerness and nearly killed me again.

+/-

Sep. 20th, 2013 10:43 pm
Friday grumping:

1. Dear damn awful gut problems, I would like to be able to eat a small cupcake without going from zero to TERRIBLE CRAMPING within about four steps. (That was Sunday, but I am still mad. 'Cannot safely go out in public' is a level of disability I'm not willing to just roll with.)

2. How is it that I am in a position where having to pull together a complete fellowship application in two weeks is the course I prefer?!

3. Can I please just not be low-grade sick ALL the time? I would like a break.

4. I have to go to a wedding tomorrow, with humans, some of whom have opinions about my relationship with Wim. I have to wear clothes, and shoes, and that doesn't even sound like fun. And I got mail this morning saying I was sitting at a table with no one I know.

5. I want someone to tell me what to do. I won't accept someone telling me what to do.

Friday happiness:

1. M-pig is there for me in text.

2. Awesomely sent emails I needed to send although they took WORK and were SCARY. Really, this is terrifying in almost every aspect: large investment of effort at a time I feel well below my best, entirely likely that the grant wouldn't be awarded, would have to move far away with cats, PI will almost certainly be upset (but if we can work through it at least it might be good), I am asking people to do inconvenient things for me (actually to our mutual benefit though?), WHAT ARGH DECISIONS generally. But I did it.

3. I escaped a meeting with relatively little additional work assigned to me! Still some, but I successfully shunted some away.

4. Book store re bate. The specific books I was after weren't in, but I got new Eleanor Arnason!

5. Brain fog is definitely clearing: yay competence! And my mood is enough improved that swanning around with my goldfish umbrella and flirting with the Babeland clerk made me downright bouncy.
jinian: (chiyo)
0. This was yesterday, but I didn't tell you about it yet. There was a marching band playing "Sweet Dreams Are Made of These" when we went out to dinner, as a promo for Honkfest.

1. Yay for ovulation. (Even my cycle seems to be behaving itself.)

2. Good meetings despite disorganization on all fronts. All the logistical problems with doing what I want to are still problems, but if funding and failsafes can be established I think good things could happen. THINKY THOUGHTS about projects and fellowship proposals are NOW.

3. The cutest onigiri! Made by the best [personal profile] rushthatspeaks!



4. The airport gift shop had a bunch of My Little Pony stuff! Now they have less. Also, the nice cashier offered to mail my postcard for me, as he was going on break in the outside world in ten minutes. (For some reason airports never seem to help a person with this very common issue of needing to mail last-minute postcards from beyond security. Pneumatic tubes seem like the most obvious and delightful solution.)

5. Beautiful sunset over lit-up Boston as we flew out. Places that feel homelike: the woods and creek and gravel pits by my childhood home, Pacific Northwest forests in general, Friday Harbor Labs, Seattle, and signs point to yes for a new one. But now I am back in the one with my orange lotion, in which I don't have to wear any pants.
jinian: (snape)
GRUMPY:

1. Why do people think any software except Sequencher is acceptable for evaluating sequence data? IT IS NOT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS, BUY ME THE GOOD ONE.

2. Heart of Thomas is so boring, people. So, so boring. I gave up.

3. I am at the stage of ongoing gut badness where I'm like, I already feel sick as hell, I'm going to eat whatever the fuck I want. This is obviously not a great idea... except for the part where sometimes I feel completely better after I do that. Intermittent reinforcement argh.

4. Terrible things happen that make people I love feel bad, and I can neither protect nor avenge.

5. My grumpy items' importances are all out of scale with each other.

Happy:

1. Cool caressing morning with the lake like metal. I love that.

2. I was taught that Plantago lanceolata was wind-pollinated (though note that that paper actually says its own thesis is not well supported). Well, life will find a way, because I've seen honeybees on it the last three days.

3. Finally got to see Pacific Rim at Pacific Place last night! But why in this movie are everyone's lips so very pink? It's not the presence of a dimensional portal for alien invasion; that lipstick would clash with the Iron Man suit terribly.

4. I am a POSTDOCTORAL SCHOLAR whose diploma was mailed today.

5. One girl at the bus stop was reading Le Guin, one was reading Best Science and Nature Writing. I made sure to stand colinear and equidistant as I read my own rather pulpier SF novel.
jinian: (baby dalek)
So I might be done with my intensive emotional processing for a while after this. It is tiring!

This is meaningful to me and I felt I had to draw it. It was a lot of work. Feelings and pencils and inking and Photoshop and Illustrator (all to make it look the way I thought it already did look!). Here it is.

Read more... )

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