wake

Mar. 9th, 2015 07:17 am
jinian: (bad wolf)
Dad's wake was Sunday. We couldn't possibly have had more beautiful weather, sunny and over 60 F, and about 35 people came. It was really great.

Read more... )

This morning we're meeting with the funeral home to arrange Dad's cremation. The plan is to scatter his ashes in the river next to the cabin, the next time I visit. Then I'm heading up into Seattle to visit the lab, see M-pig, and get some stuff from the storage unit. Then tomorrow afternoon I'm flying back to Boston.

So far, so much keeping it together like a boss. Not sure when I'm going to be able to sleep properly or not have my stomach unhappy, though. Probably I will allow a day of crash on Wednesday and return to work Thursday. I don't really have an icon for this, but Bad Wolf is pretty damn close -- stretched too thin for my actual capabilities, but accomplishing the world. Sometimes whether I like it or not.
jinian: (lost sakura)
1. Accomplished much sewing today with happy sunbeamish cats.

2. Last night my new textbook for my new job came: feeling like I am doing what I should, having good enough health to do it with, and enjoying the material. And I aced the pretest. :)

3. Another shipment came too, including some heavier lotion that I like the smell of and some probiotics to try to get my tummy all the way in gear.

4. Some fun nerdiness with spreadsheets occurred.

5. Good meeting yesterday with my boss and fellow postdoc where I had an analysis they wanted before they asked for it!
jinian: (c'est la vie)
Fannie Farmer's mac and cheese is fuckin' amazing. (I used 2% milk and light cream, so proooobably I won't get sick from too much fat. Also I figured it could use a couple cloves of microplaned garlic, as many things can.)

This week's Song Exploder is about the Korra finale. You can hear the notes the composer got about spoiler!

I got a bunch of stuff done at work this morning. After that I was tired and floppy all day, but it certainly felt good to be efficient for a while.

ETA: OH ALSO BTW JUPITER ASCENDING and this playlist about it. Like I said on Twitter, how are people surprised that a Wachowski movie is ridiculous? It's not like the Matrix makes any damn sense. (I can't be the only one whose instinct on watching it for the first time was to think we were meant to be making fun? Alas, that was not what the host of that party had in mind at all.) But Jupiter Ascending is hilariously, awesomely ridiculous and also beautiful to look at.
jinian: (c'est la vie)
This usually helps when I'm feeling down. Also it turns out there are loads of good things!

1. Wrote to several interesting women on OKCupid. (There are not enough women in my life socially; also I am a mostly-frustrated Kinsey 4+.)

2. This morning one of my roommates had put the toilet brush into the trash can instead of its holder. I cracked up laughing, and he allowed as how he would've laughed too if he'd been the one seeing it instead of the one asleep enough to do it.

3. Having multiple moments of really liking my body. It's not actively trying to kill me at this point, and my waist-hip area is so pretty.

4. Changed insole and lacing configuration on my Docs for greatly improved stompling power!

5. Glitter snow tonight!

6. I don't really understand TMI, but this is it probably )

Also the other day I saw a bike with GIANT TIRES, so that was pretty fantastic.
jinian: (Collomia grandiflora)
I actually like the ridiculous snow*: it is inconvenient but cheering. (And yes, my attitude is certainly affected by my not having to shovel any. In this climate it is worth it to stay renting just for that!) My mood generally is pretty bad lately, though. I looked up stage IV endometriosis today and felt very sad about it indeed. The diagrams of organs stuck together made me feel terrible, and noting again that I probably wasn't fertile anyway was upsetting too, neither for any good reason. This nonstop whiny baby feeling inside is getting really old. Lightbox use continues, though, and I am getting some work done, and I get to see Green Porno in person on Friday night.

Dad still in hospital. They got his fluid levels down far enough (congestive heart failure means this is hard, he tends to retain water dangerously), then discovered he was anemic! So he got a transfusion, after which his hematocrit was... lower. What. Is he bleeding internally?, they wondered. So yesterday he got scoped out and they found an ulcer and removed a polyp. It's great that he's in the hospital so they can figure out all this fuckery, right?

Mom is better, not coughing and sore throat much improved.

* Not that my enjoyment stopped me from signing a petition for Persephone's return, obvs. You know how long these things can take.
jinian: (algae)
Me: getting a cold, knees unhappy about walking on unpredictable snow surfaces, miserable mood, minor abdominal pain which is scary now because context

Dad: in hospital for at least a few more days, on diuretics for water retention from his congestive heart failure, currently hallucinating (!!!)

Mom: seems to think I do not also need to know her status, has been informed otherwise

(also, roommate: leaving his psych evaluation lying around in the kitchen, SORELY TESTING my ability to resist reading things that aren't my business)
jinian: (worms' meat)
I am doing fine, possibly even very well. My dad, who turned 80 yesterday, went to the hospital today for pneumonia. My mom has bronchitis. Having old parents is bullshit.
jinian: (c'est la vie)
I'm recovering well! The bellybutton incision is almost entirely healed, though there's still some swelling and bruising around the others, especially on the left. No more bandages or strips! There's semi-predictable soreness when I sit or lie down in certain positions, but I can mostly get up from the more comfortable supine and reclining positions a lot more easily now. I even did a few very easy yoga poses this morning.

I went out yesterday on an errand to a part of Boston I hadn't been to yet, so that was major progress, and I got to see [personal profile] rushthatspeaks on the way back, yay. [personal profile] skygiants visited on Tuesday, too, which was a lot of fun. I even did my own grocery shopping on Monday (prudently using a cart to steady myself, but I was totally fine, just tired when I got back).

Still spending some effort on pain management, mostly intestinal cramping that I hope is just everything settling into its new position and getting used to not having endometriosis sticking it to other things inappropriately. Part of it may have been coming off the Percocet, too, since opiates reduce gut motility and it could've bounced back inappropriately. I went back to a half-perc in the morning for a couple days and I think the ramp-down was a better idea. Also, this type of pain I know well and can apply heat to.

I've been playing lots of simple computer games, and for the last few days I've been able to concentrate better on reading. Currently finishing up a reread of the Raksura novels.

I've still got until Tuesday before my post-op appointment and potential back-to-work-ness. If I keep improving at this rate, I'll be in great shape.
jinian: (worms' meat)
Thanks to everyone for all the kind comments. I'm not doing well at responding because everything feels kinda disjointed for me right now, but I appreciate everything. Emails and texts are great too. And my mom-out-law sent the Wonder Woman book, so that's been a lot of fun.

It was a hard day today. I was expecting to see rushthatspeaks, but they have a cold and I didn't hear about that until later in the evening. Frustrating that I can't go outside alone! I suspect I will simply ignore that tomorrow, as it's been plenty long enough for me not to have a random fainting spell.

Also, I verified today that my light-headedness is just the Percocet -- I went off it entirely for twelve hours, and yes, the swimmy gross feeling went away. I was able to take a shower safely, which felt great, but also I exhausted myself dealing with the remaining pain, which didn't feel great at all. Crying and feeling like a terrible person for not managing my meds right or properly figuring out people to help me was not a good time. So, back to the swimmy gross feeling for now.

Although there's considerable pain remaining on the left side (ovary mad again?), things are really healing very well. The incisions are feeling much better, and I might take off the bandages soon. I haven't had any bleeding at all today, and a couple of scabs actually came off already. I could do without the subtle interior itching, of course.

Back to sleeping at weird times and being out of it, at least while the meds last. They won't for much longer, whether that's a good thing or a bad one...
Yesterday I got an operation! So far it was a really good idea. Here is what went down.

long! )

home safe

Jan. 5th, 2015 07:37 pm
The surgery went very well, and the doctor says I should be below my previous baseline pain level during the recovery process (because things were really a mess in there). Currently feeling about five different kinds of pain, but the worst one is definitely the remains of the abdomen-inflating gas because it shoots up to your shoulders, ugh. I has a Percocet, though, and a [personal profile] rushthatspeaks to take care of me.

la la la

Jan. 5th, 2015 05:46 am
jinian: (algae)
Woke up early as usual before a big-deal trip. Second antiseptic shower (not so gross, actually, just smells a bit overly sterile). Played with cats, gave treats, can't settle down with them because I have to go! Waaaaaiting for the cab.
jinian: (dandy highwayman)
I think I have everything squared away for surgery! Got pre-registered, confirmed the insurance approval, booked a cab, picked up meds, and bought icky antiseptic soap.

Still want to discuss with R & L, send their contact info to my mom, and set up a little email list for updates, but those are much less stressful.

Well, and do chores at home and wrap up my work, but those will take the time allotted regardless of how much time that is.
Having dreams about things like uprooting tree trunks that would otherwise grow back trees and accidentally exalting hatchling pixeldragons that I should really have done more with. Yes, thanks, subconscious, I am aware that I will be shutting off uterine possibilities.

Came down with a mild cold today, ugh. Rested rather than working, even though we're time limited on the demo equipment, because I really must get well before Monday. It might not be as mild as I thought, though, since I also failed completely to parse a knitting pattern for something I've made before. Probably it's what Dad had while I was there, in which case it's not a really bad bug, just makes you tired mostly.

Roommate is still not home, which is a little nice and a little weird. I assume he's still at his wife's, and alive and all, though it's been two days longer than expected. Anyway, I am sticking to my chore routine even though he won't be bothered if the kitchen's not cleaned daily, because it turns out I like it clean too. (Mostly I pride myself on being able to work in tight spaces, so not cleaning is a weird way to make there be tight spaces so that pride can occur; my brain is weird.) Also I don't bother putting on pants when I have to use the bathroom in the night.

Foxglove Summer was pretty great and I remain happy that the U Bookstore SF section drives to Canada occasionally or whatever they do to get my UK editions.

No idea wtf my uterus is up to. I had the PMS backache on schedule, and then... no bleeding. Perhaps I have scared it into submission? I am not going to argue if I don't have another period before the surgery, but it's a bit strange. That and I'm worried it's actually gathering its strength for one last round of epic misery, ha.
jinian: (worms' meat)
WHEW. Putting more infos in a flocked post, but the insurance company has now approved everything my surgeon and I wanted to do.

noooooo

Dec. 24th, 2014 02:03 pm
Doctor's office called. My isurance is being a pain about covering the hysterectomy part of the surgery and wants me to try progesterone for two months first. OMGWTF INSURANCE.

Hard to convey how freaked out and unhappy I am right now. Have literally gone to Youtube to play myself some Enya.
jinian: (bachelor's button bud)
Sent mail to my mom today telling her all about my current health state (poor) and my surgery plans. I allowed as how she might have feelings about my fertility and requested that she process those with someone else, because otherwise I'll feel like she's saying I should continue to hurt all the time. I think it was a pretty good letter. Brave person is me.

Had pain bad enough tonight that I busted out an oxycodone from the first time I went to the ER. They still work! I became very silly on my chat with J and also I hurt a lot less. It made me consider, too, that I will be in WA and can use legal marijuana while there. Medication can help with pain! How revolutionary! Gets me that much closer to helpful surgery. And my old boss really liked the manuscript edits I made while on opiates that one time, so at least some forms of productivity may be open to me.

(You know, apart from crafting complex monster traps and catching a whole lot of familiars for my dragons.)

upset

Dec. 11th, 2014 05:36 pm
jinian: (lost sakura)
So I was a bonehead yesterday and thought I was doing something on a day that wasn't when I was doing it. Partly this is natural, since the day of it was changed fairly recently and then became a different routine, which I haven't had time to settle into yet, so it's not remarkable any more but also not a habit. Mostly I am headachey and in pain and haven't been able to sleep properly for a week or so.

I am pretty sure no one likes being a bonehead, though there may be some evolved souls who do not mind it so much, but it actually scares me. Braining is what I do. So that let me into a wonderful world of being terrified this afternoon -- not about danger from the surgery, but about what if it doesn't fix anything.

I mean, it will fix my menstrual cramps. That is a thing it will definitely do. But what if I can't eat still? What if I can't sleep right? What if I still have pain all the time? (I will have to get a nutritionist, yes, practical brain is still online, but also I will be miserable.) I can't do a good job on the work I want to do when my body is like this.

Hoping for a resolution makes that part WAY MORE SCARY. I mean, caring and hoping have generally been harder than enduring in my life. (Symptom of privilege, maybe.) It feels terrible, and I have to wait another three weeks before I can even get operated on, and there's a whole gauntlet of talking to family about it that I have to run before then. It sucks. But at least there's a chance of resolution this way, and if I'm thinking properly I know it's a good chance. Even if it doesn't work, I'll know more than I do now.
jinian: (FHL cockles)
So my doctor and the reproductive radiologist (what a great specialty) are pretty sure that the masses the ultrasound shows on both ovaries are endometriomas. The bigger one is making my ovary 7cm long, which is much bigger than an ovary should be. And it's on the more painful side. Finally a mild observable correlation with my actual problems!

I also have one small and two minuscule fibroids in the uterine wall; these I think are probably not contributing much to my pain as they were not there five years ago and my periods are actually better managed now than they were then. They will probably get worse with time until menopause, though, and could be problematic in future. Mom had a giant one removed at about my age.

So basically, laparoscopic surgery to solidly diagnose the endo is definitely recommended, and they would remove any badness they see while they're in there. The doctor confirmed that there is no way to see bits of rogue endometrium that might be causing adhesions using imaging techniques, and you just have to go look around in there. I was about ready to do that for just the amount of pain I've been having, so I am totally on board with that.

Since I have never wanted to be pregnant, I am pretty much decided on having my uterus out at the same time. The doc is good with this. It is a faulty uterus that makes me very miserable, it's likely to get even worse with time, and I'm not using it. Sliiiightly on the fence about taking out an entire organ, but it's an organ that's been misbehaving for 25 years, and if this really is endometriosis then removing a possible source of MORE jerkass wandering cells is a really good idea. Also pretty sure that the period I am about to start will remind me of why I do not want it!

Somehow I have chosen to draw the TMI veil over only this part. )

I asked about sexual function and her response was pretty much, "most people find that not being in pain makes them better able to enjoy sex." WHICH SEEMS LEGIT. And having a built-in vagina means I wouldn't need to use dilators or anything the way people with constructed vaginas do, it's all good even if the uterus isn't in there to anchor the other end. She and I are totally agreed on keeping as much of my ovaries as they can rescue from the masses on them, as bones are important and I like my sex hormones generally.

This is actually pretty much the optimal outcome considering my pain situation, which is quite bad! And it was nice to surprise the doc by being happy and excited that she found something, which is not the usual reaction. So I'll talk about it with my boss tomorrow -- the recommended recovery period for surgery is two weeks and I want to keep him up to date since we talked recently about how things were pretty bad and affecting my performance. Within a few days the surgery scheduler should call me to set up various pre-, operative, and post- appointments.

I am still pretty darn happy with this whole development. Little scary, still the tiny possibility that it's something more serious, but overall? Fucking YAY they found THINGS they can DO something about.

yay things!

Dec. 3rd, 2014 09:17 am
jinian: (birdsquee)
The doctor says there are a couple of things on my ultrasound! I told her honestly I am VERY HAPPY THAT THERE ARE THINGS, all the other scans have said that everything was fine and I have been like... everything is not fine. So I get to go there this afternoon at 4:30 to discuss the things.

If I can have a hysterectomy I am actually going to be super happy, I have wanted this rotten fuckin' uterus out of my body ever since I was twelve and it started trying to kill me every month.

I will keep you all posted!

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